Some are calling it the “Miracle in San Joaquin.” The five most incredible days in the history of the entire region. People in Sunnyside were hit by an indescribable need to eat popsicles. Folks in the Tower District gave away free Mars Bars and muffin bran. Folks on Huntington Boulevard rattled their jewelry to the tune of “We Are The Fucking Champions.

And the Fresno Tacos?

Well, the Fresno Tacos had the most amazing of weeks in their semi-storied history.

Now, those of you who want to argue the shit of that last statement are probably gonna do something like go back into the record books and point to some time that Derek Comerford or Charles “Two Tons of Homer” Gatton did. Some twirlybird game that Jacob Bush or Thomas “Lizzie Borden Got Her” Mullenax “Out and Gave Her Boyfriend 40 Whacks” did. But I’m here to tell you that what happened this week in Fresno out-paces anything those whack=jobs ever accomplished, because, my friends, guys like Mullenax and Comerford and all those others, man, they had one thing this team doesn’t have. You goddamed well got it: Talent. Those names had it … these guys wouldn’t know it if it came packaged in a six pack of the hooch they celebrate breaking up an opponent’s no hitter with.


It started when the Tacos somehow got five hits in the same inning and scored three runs on what had to be a stunned group of Columbus Crows, who understandably thought they were here in California to soak up some sunshine, steal a few Taco girlfriends, and somehow sneak in a couple baseball games on the side. Then little lefty Jimmy Ebby, a recent signing, made it stand up for a 4-1 victory.

It continued the next day when (also newly signed) outfielder Zachary Abrams dropped a fucking three-run bomb on the Crows in the second inning, turning a 3-0 deficit into a 5-3 score. Chaz ‘Stupendous’ Wood made it stand up (have of that what you will), and the club won its second game in a row, 6-5. The next day Tacos used another three-run blast, this time from Christopher Pitcher, to beat the Crows 5-2, Artie “Wouldncha Like to be my Neighbor” Rogers picking up the win, Nate Williams, a save.

Columbus, clearly now bent over and bleeding from every orifice, was sent back to Ohio doing the walk of shame. The Fresno Tacos turned to face visiting Minnesota, suddenly looking like some kind of superhero who emerged from the phone booth [editor's note: a phone booth is that thing Dr. Who uses to travel time. Before you could have a phone installed in any bodily organ you now possess, they used to be on every street corner].

In game one of the series, the Tacos fell behind 3-0 to the Windchill. Since Minnesota cheats and actually uses professional baseball players, this isn’t that surprising. However, Fresno outfielder Jaime Young somehow managed to hit one out of the yard, fair, in the 6th.Then they got a second run the old-fashioned Taco way: Ethan Laughery hit into a double play with a guy on third. The magic occurred when Robby Vaughn, with the team literally down to their last strike, hit a soft line drive up the middle that scored two runs to win the game.

Yes, indeed, pass the Wild Wing hot-sauce, the Mother-Molesting Tacos were suddenly on a four-game winning streak.

The Windchill got bit again the next night as another recent signee, Johnny Burkhalter, went 2-2 with a double, a hit by pitch, and a pair of walks—the last of which came in the 9th inning with the bases-crammed, and “drove in” the winning run.

Five games. What are the chances that the Fresno Tacos would win five games in a row? Seriously? [editor: the answer, give the club’s 20-29 record is .01%, a fact that almost certainly has fans in Columbus and Minnesota pleased as piss.]

Sure, the spell was broken the next game, but not until the 8th inning when the clearly relieved Windchill pushed a pair of runs across on Old Man Rogers, one of them unearned due to a botched grounder. Until then, the home boys had the game tied, and some fans were wondering it the team was somehow touched and maybe they might never lose another game. Wishful thinking, but fans are fans and they are wont to not get what they want because what they want actually requires their team to be…well…good.

Still, the facts are the facts, and the record book will show that for a five day span in late May and early June of 2063, the Fresno Tacos were provably the best team in baseball. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!