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Thread: Whores report to Spring Training. I've run out of prostitution euphemisms

  1. #1
    FOBL Board of Governors Hollywood's Avatar
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    Default Whores report to Spring Training. I've run out of prostitution euphemisms

    Hollywood is anticipating this season more than any other in recent memory. A huge offseason trade with Durham, along with convincing one of FOBL's best players of the last decade to relocate to Melrose Avenue has stirred the dormant seeds of hope buried in the fallow fields of recent Whore history.

    It's rare for a last-place team to have almost all their roster spots locked up for the following season, but Chief Whore Shaw is confident that he has a winning combination dialed in for this year. Let's take a look at what was lost and what was gained this offseason.

    Catcher

    2048: Gus Myers and midseason acquisition Miguel Angel Sanchez combined for 2.2 WAR, although Myers was at -0.9 and Sanchez at 3.1 WAR in his 83 games with HOL. Myers went to DUR in the fuckin' A trade and Sanchez went back to WIS in free agency.

    2049: Top 100 prospect Doug Noah and returning defensive specialist Diego Ortiz will man the dish this season. Thanks to a stronger supporting cast, neither will be asked to light the world on fire. A modest improvement on replacement-level value should be considered a success. Should Noah stumble out of the gate, overpaid devpocalypse victim Cisco Linares may have to step in, unless he leaves town in a cap-clearing move.

    Verdict: In retrospect, we wish we had ponied up the $4-5M it would have taken to keep Sanchez and stayed away from Linares. Sanchez is a top-5 FOBL catcher, so we expect to see a performance decline as we move from him to a rookie. Keeping that decline manageable is one of the keys to our season.

    First Base

    2048: 1B has been a black hole for HOL ever since Nicholas Schlemmer departed, although we did get a strong 1.7 WAR in 82 games out of aging journeyman Rafael Nunez. Nunez left in free agency via his Rascal® scooter, and high draft pick Liam Begley looks to be a bust, so we had to make a move to get more production out of the position ASAP.

    2049: That move was to acquire big-time basher Norm Henson from DUR. Henson looks to add at least 2-3 WAR and 30 HR over last year's output at 1B and has 2 100K seasons left.

    Verdict: About as big an upgrade as you can get in today's FOBL. We were average in most offensive categories except HR (which lowered our SLG and OPS), so adding around 80 HRs to the lineup was our offseason priority. This closes the gap significantly. Depth behind Henson is a problem we hope not to have to deal with.

    Second Base

    2048: Much-maligned prospect Jared Clark brushed off scathing criticism from the front office to post one of the more under-the-radar superlative seasons in the last several years. Clark would have claimed comeback player of the year honors if they existed, adding over 3 WAR to his disappointing 2047 total (that almost led to his being shipped out to MBJ in return for a hair braiding voucher and 2 oz. of stank bud). His numbers against RHP were ludicrous.

    2049: It's Clark's position for better or worse. If HOL gets 2048 Clark, then this could be a special season. 2047 Clark will get his ass traded by the All-Star break.

    Verdict: Unknown. Which Clark do we get?

    Third Base

    2048: Not as horrible as I remembered, but Ruben Perez logged the majority of ABs and while he hit for AVG, he had the power of an early-80s Slovakian compact car.

    2049: Um, well, we failed at upgrading this one. Hopefully, there will be a defensive improvement, because we are able to start Brad Nicholas thanks to the offensive upgrades elsewhere. Perez is still around to provide a known quantity should Nicholas not cut it as an everyday player.

    Verdict: If we're in the hunt, this is a position we will look to upgrade mid-season with a salary dump. The one position we're nervous about.

    Shortstop

    2048: The aforementioned Brad Nicholas started the bulk of the games last season, and wasn't horrible. He was above-average as a fielder and put up 1.6 WAR.

    2049: The big number from Nicholas in 2048 was one HR. Yes, one. We fixed that with the acquisition of Jeremiah Scott. This gives us roughly 45 more HRs out of SS, while also massively upgrading the defense with a multiple Gold Glove winner. This might have been as big an upgrade as Henson at 1B, perhaps bigger. Between Scott and Henson, we've added about 70-80 HRs.

    Verdict: Assuming Scott doesn't pull a Whit Miller on us (see below), he might be the difference-maker. We went from a brown-out level of power in the INF to having a gold glover with 50 HR potential.

    Outfield & DH

    2048: We'll consider the positions as a whole because there is only 1 major change in 2049. The group of Von Stone, Whit Miller, Ivan Garcia, and Brad Potter put up the bulk of our offensive numbers in 2048, totaling about 7.2 WAR between them. Miller was the splashy FA add, but disappointed with a 0.5 WAR despite having positive dev (rare for an established FA). We have to get better production from him. For Potter's 48 HRs, he still had a lower WAR (1.9) than Stone (3.5).

    2049: Remember how I wrote that our top 4 OF/DH put up a total of 7.2 WAR? Well, the gentleman now soaking up half our payroll put up 2.4 more WAR on his own last season, in a pitcher's park to boot. Perennial All-FOBL OF Len Hayes gives us Gold Glove defense in CF and will anchor the lineup, while allowing us to shift defense-optional Potter to DH. This gives us premier defenders in CF (Hayes) and LF (Miller vs. RHP and Garcia vs. LHP) (and 2B, SS, and 3B). Von Stone is the forgotten man, but remember... he was our top OF performer last season. He'll bat 9th this year.

    Verdict: Len Hayes. That is all.

    Starting Pitching

    2048: It's all about super-stud prospect Pat O'Donnell. His 4.6 WAR was about equal to every other SP that we ran out there in 2048 combined. After-thought acquisition SP Zach Williamson was a pleasant surprise, posting a 2.0 WAR, while former 3rd rounder Pete Davis had a typically shaky rookie season, but still managed to be a net positive. The rest of the guys? Not so much. No need to even discuss them.

    2049: It's still all about O'Donnell, but Davis looks to be better, and we filled the black hole that was the back half of our rotation with DUR castoffs SP Doug 'Wizard' Taylor and Nate Buchanan. In Buchanan, we finally got a knuckleballer, and he also has a career average 2.6 WAR. If Taylor and Buchanan put up even average years, they will be well worth their salaries. The big question is who fills the #2 slot. We led on Rio Woolhouse for a long time in the hope that he would become that guy, but CJP sniped him back at the last second. One imagines Williamson would be the guy, but we think his performance was an outlier. We either have to let him prove us wrong, or take a chance on super-stud prospect #2 Pat Heath. Heath worked hard over the offseason to improve his control, and our scouts report that he made a breakthrough right before Spring Training.

    Verdict: If Heath can get it done this Spring, we may have to let him take the reins at #2 and let the best of Taylor, Buchanan and Williamson fill the last 2 spots. I would run a top 3 of O'Donnell, Heath and Davis out there in any playoff series.

    Bullpen

    2048: Santiago Jimenez was clearly our top RP, although Kaleb Miller turned in a sub-3.00 ERA after we stopped trying to make him a SP. Lennay Kekua went from dating Te'o to closing games for us. While he wasn't horrible, he isn't a CL for a contender. The rest of the goons we ran out there weren't fit to clean the unisex bathroom stalls at Casting Couch Coliseum.

    2049: Remember that fuckin'-A trade with DUR? Well, we also got R.J. Marks in that deal. He and former 1st rounder Joey Cecil make their debuts in the WhorePen this season, and both look to be staggering upgrades. Another 1st rounder from last season (Ed Bena) waits in the wings and will at worst use up his 24 callup exemption games this season.

    Verdict: Marks basically cost us next season's 1st rounder, so we are GOING FOR IT this season no matter what. On paper, this has to be one of the top bullpens in FOBL. We'll see what reality has in store. Marks may even get a look at SP, and if he can handle it, Bena will get the call sooner rather than later.


    Conclusion

    The success of our rebuilding project has yet to be determined, but we seem to have filled the gaping holes (heh... I haven't really run out of euphemisms) left by dev debacles with timely trades (facilitated by our deep minor league system) and targeted FA spending. With half the division making the playoffs, we have to believe we can contend for one of those spots. If we get in, then our top 3 SP should give us a puncher's chance in any series.
    Last edited by Hollywood; 12-07-2013 at 07:20 PM.

  2. #2
    FOBL Board of Governors Morgado's Avatar
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    Nice writeup, shaw. I think HOL is going about this the right way offensively: Henson, Hayes, Noah, and Scott are a HUGE injection of power into your lineup. This is a NRW-level offense now, and befits the smarmy HOL cokewhore piledriving tradition.

    Edit: I'm agree with Duke (see below).

    Davenport Falcons - 2043 FOBL Solecismic Series Winners

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    Beloved Former Owner DukeRulesMAB's Avatar
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    I think HOL is pretty clearly a playoff team. How good of one will depend on the pitching staff.


    Owner/General Manger (no longer former this either!) - Kentucky Juggernaut

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  4. #4
    FOBL Board of Governors Hollywood's Avatar
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    Thanks, guys.

    I can't decide whether to ride with Heath or leave him down for 1 more year.

  5. #5
    FOBL Board of Governors Morgado's Avatar
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    If you think you have a legit shot (and you do), you have to use him. It's like the first season I played Porter in the postseason: http://www.thefobl.com/news/html/pla...yer_13234.html

    I don't regret burning that year at all.

    Davenport Falcons - 2043 FOBL Solecismic Series Winners

    (05 OCT 2011) 09:56:52 am [kurtism]: morg is the honey badger of economic analysts
    Jenny's Constant = [(7^((e/1)-(1/e)) - 9)]*(pi)^2
    I ♣ baby seals.
    *shurg* ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  6. #6
    FOBL Owner/GM Bruno's Avatar
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    Have to use him if going for it...
    SS Champions - 2024
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  7. #7
    FOBL Board of Governors Hollywood's Avatar
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    Yeah... I think he starts the season in the bigs, and if his first 9 starts aren't going well, I'll send him back down.

  8. #8
    Beloved Former Owner DukeRulesMAB's Avatar
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    He's all filled out except for 2 points in CON; I presume he's better than the alternatives in the rotation. He's ready to go, imo.


    Owner/General Manger (no longer former this either!) - Kentucky Juggernaut

    Front Office Baseball League Champions: 2011, 2056
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    Gindin League Champions: 2056, 2057
    Calzone Division Champions: 2011, 2012, 2013
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    Vaughan League Wild Card: 2006, 2009



    Owner/General Manager (no longer former!) - Austin Amish

    Front Office Football League Champions: 2054
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    Beloved Former Owner MrIllini's Avatar
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    WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO WHIT MILLER?
    Owner/GM, Utica Wombats
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  10. #10
    FOBL Board of Governors Hollywood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrIllini View Post
    WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO WHIT MILLER?
    Believe me, I'm more upset than you. I figured he would explode going from UTI's park to mine.

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