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Thread: Local Fake Baseball Team Sold To Multinational Agricultural Biotechnology Corporation

  1. #1
    FOBL Owner/GM Buddy Grant's Avatar
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    Default Local Fake Baseball Team Sold To Multinational Agricultural Biotechnology Corporation

    Local Fake Baseball Team Sold To Multinational Agricultural Biotechnology Corporation

    The Capital City Metropolitans have been sold to Monsanto Inc., a Multinational Agribusiness giant. The Mets, as they are usually called, had been a locally owned FOBL baseball team for the last 45 years. They have had a checkered past in the tri-county area, with cyclic seasons of massive successes, titanic struggles, and constant threats of folding or moving due to what the former owners called our "draconian building safety regulations'. Through it all their local fan support has never wavered, even in years when unexplained tragedies occurred in their ancient ballpark.

    Monsanto made the announcement via a private teleconference with some of their major stockholders. One of these people, who wished to remain anonymous, informed us that the new ownership group would lay off most of the team's current employees, including the players wives who had been making less than minimum wage as stadium vendors, laundry staff, and drivers of the team bus. We were also told that the company expects to begin talks with city council immediately about getting local money and free real estate for a new baseball stadium.

    The current stadium, Cracktown Field Park, was built in 1932 during a failed attempt to draw the Olympics to Capital City. It was the finest football/baseball/boxing/rodeo venue in the tri-county area for a few years, but has become more infamous recently as the site of multiple 'Act of God' events:
    - In 2001 the left field bleachers collapsed during the first home game for the Mets, and 100's were injured. This bleacher section is still in a tangled heap today, with only frayed and faded yellow police tape keeping curiosity seekers (and some annoyed season ticket holders) out.
    - During the 2003 Tom Selleck Series several concrete columns of the main grandstand collapsed, delaying the game momentarily as the rubble was moved off the field area. Over 2,000 people were injured in this event, though none were successful in getting a ticket refund due to a controversial counter lawsuit that held the fans responsible for the collapse.
    - The main grandstand claimed more injuries during the 2004 FOBL All-Star game when some cracks in the concrete became so large that several vendors fell in and became trapped. The team, under the national media microscope, scrambled to fix the problem quickly by requiring the player wives to sell popcorn, fountain drinks, and beer the rest of the game and from that point forward. The cracks were never repaired, but the team was diligent in expanding the 'no liability' small print on tickets, as well as casually requesting that fans bring their own hard hats and arrester gear to the ballpark.
    - Thousands of other accidents, usually multiple times per season and often in the same area's of the park, became parts of class action law suits that have all been thrown out of court due to team's threats of moving the team to Poughkeepsie, a possibly hollow threat since there already is a fake team there. Note that when the CapCity Times became 1% owners in the franchise during the 2005 season we agreed to not publish details of any future stadium related accidents, due to all of them being part of an endless series of 'investigations' by a local company (H. Ray Accountants) the team hired to get to the bottom of the so-called stadium safety issue.

    When called at home, the previous majority owner of the Mets, Honest Ray Modulator, had this to say about the sale: "Hopefully the team will be able to adjust their priorities to action on the field, instead of action in the courtroom." Modulator added that he has retained one of his titles with the team, Director of Player Personnel & Draft Picks. Apparently he will be one of the few Mets employees Monsanto will not lay off. Other details of the Mets purchase were sketchy since the new ownership group has instituted their strict 'no interview' policy that has served them well in their Biotechnology business.
    Capital City Metropolitans 50 Fucking Years Old!!!

  2. #2
    FOBL Owner/GM Buddy Grant's Avatar
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    New Mets Owners Expected To Resign Popular Slugger

    The Mets new owners wasted no time showing off their expanded budget today by agreeing in principle to a deal with slugging RF Brad Murphy. Although the deal is not announced yet, Murphy's agent has let us know the new Mets ownership group called him this morning and gave him an offer he will be hard pressed to refuse. Murphy, who has hit 20+ HR's for the Mets the last five seasons, is a former #1 draft pick of the team during the years when the average player ratings were barely above 4.

    If Murphy does sign he will join another recent RFA signee and another Mets OF from last season, outfielder Devin Simpson, to complete a stand-pat roster that will match what the Mets fielded last September.
    Capital City Metropolitans 50 Fucking Years Old!!!

  3. #3
    FOBL Board of Governors CubsFan915's Avatar
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    God, I love Buddy.
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    FOBL Board of Governors Hollywood's Avatar
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    #1 Owner in our hearts and our pants.

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    FOBL Board of Governors wolvie109's Avatar
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    BUDDY FOR NOBEL PRIZE IN CREATIVE AWESOME.

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